A Reluctant Look at the Grammy Awards

A Reluctant Look at the Grammy Awards
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After four decades, the Grammy’s have managed to remain painfully irrelevant to the status of contemporary music. It would be bad enough if the worst thing they did was to consistently nominate the wrong artists for the wrong categories. They do this constantly, but that’s not the worst of it. It would also be bad enough if they continuously nominated the same artists for many various categories, making the entire process seem like an exercise in redundancy. They do this as well, but it gets much worse than that. By now, I think it is fair to say that, at best, a Grammy award doesn’t mean anything at all. At worst, a Grammy award is a curse that will destroy your career. Have you had a look at previous winners of the ‘Best New Artist’ category? It reads more like a list of “One Hit Wonders by Thoroughly Irrelevant Artists.’ For a taste of their ability to prognosticate, let’s go back five years or more; Shelby Lynne, Hootie & the Blowfish, Paula Cole, Lauryn Hill, LeAnn Rimes, Milli Vanilli (!!), Marc Cohn and Jody Watley all won in the ‘Best New Artist’ category….and this is supposed to be a good thing??!! Rap artist have complained for years that the Grammy committee ignored them, but the fact is that they thrived both artistically AND financially during this time period. If you’re a musician, the BEST thing that could happen to you is that you lose at the Grammy awards. That way, you get the free publicity, without any of the creepy affiliations suggested by the Grammy committee’s statuette.
Nevertheless, a whole bunch of otherwise intelligent people are jockeying for recognition by this group of ne’er-do-wells. Kanye West is foaming at the mouth and already making ominous statements about how pathetic it would be if he lost (boy, he’s got the whole thing backwards), while Mariah Carey is primping herself so that the whole world will notice that she survived her plunge into near-oblivion, and that she IS still artistically relevant (as if she ever was in the first place). After forty years in the business – almost ten of them as a member of the Beatles - Paul McCartney knows how irrelevant this self-congratulatory broadcast is, which is why I figure he won’t even bother to show up (this alone is reason enough to justify his knighthood).
As for the rest, it’s hard to care about who wins or who loses. It’s even hard to care about the live performances any longer. Lately, the lineup has been reduced to generic gerrymandering, with a ‘one-from-column ‘A’, one-from-column ‘B’’ mentality that pairs up artists so artistically opposed that each removes the other’s edge. For my money, there is more entertainment to be had on the Game Show Network, but as a music critic, I am expected to have an opinion on these things, so despite my own misgivings, I will ‘predict’ what the outcome of this year’s event will be;

Record of the Year-
Mariah Carey – “We Belong Together”
Gorillaz feat. De La Soul – “Feel Good Inc.”
Green Day – “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”
Gwen Stefani – “Hollaback Girl”
Kanye West – Gold Digger”
Given these choices, how is it possible to muster up any enthusiasm? Mariah Carey is still creepy, I don’t care what anyone else might think, and this song is just plain boring. Green Day’s album is already old, and “Hollaback Girl” is one of the most meaningless and stupid songs I’ve heard all decade, surpassed only by the Gorillaz, who are cartoons for God’s sake - which means they’ll probably win. No, on second thought, this is going to Kanye, simply because the thought of anyone else winning is unbearable.

Album of the Year –
Mariah Carey – The Emancipation of Mimi
Paul McCartney – Chaos and Creation in the Backyard
Gwen Stefani – Love, Angel, Music, Baby
U2 – How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
Kanye West – Late Registration

Imagine listening to an entire album by Mariah Carey without gagging…could you do it? I didn’t think so. McCartney’s album is good, but everyone (including McCartney) knows that his best work predates President Ford’s tenure. Gwen Stefani’s album is fun in the same way that eating sixty lollipops for dinner is fun. Kanye West’s album is great, but the Grammy committee will confuse political relevance with musical artistry, and that is why U2 will get this award.

Song of the Year –
Rascall Flatts – “Bless the Broken Road”
Bruce Springsteen – “Devils and Dust”
John Legend – “Ordinary People”
U2 – “Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own”
Mariah Carey – “We Belong Together”

To be honest, for the entire year of 2005, I have deliberately played each of these songs exactly once apiece. After that, I never wanted to hear any of them again. Springsteen and U2 have the only songs that don’t cause me to lunge across the room and step on my cat’s tail to change the station. The cat’s wailing is a significant improvement, but she’s not nominated here, so this is a toss-up. I’ll go with U2 again, because this type of sentimentality allows the Grammy committee to appear human while shedding crocodile tears.

Best New Artist
Ciara
Fall Out Boy
Keane
John Legend
Sugarland

If this were food, it would be like choosing between McDonalds, Burger King, Wendys, Bob’s Big Boy and Pancake House for ‘Best New Restaurant’. Who cares? In my opinion, at least half of these artists have already reached their artistic half-life. Seriously, will ANY of them be relevant by next summer? I doubt it, but John Legend will win, because he’s the least ‘offensive’ – which actually makes him the MOST offensive, doesn’t it??
The worst part of all this is that 2005 was an interesting year for pop music. Judging from the Grammy nominations, though, 2005 looks like hell. Nevertheless, this is how we are doomed to write our own history. Despite common sense, I will be in front of my TV on Wednesday, watching this drivel unfold. Hopefully, I’ll fall asleep before the pain gets too severe. Or maybe, I’ll have an epiphany and realize just how fabulous the Grammies are. If that happens, then I’ll KNOW that I fell asleep, because that could only happen in my wildest dreams.